Ick…

My cold has morphed into bronchitis that was on the verge of pneumonia. I spent a night in the Emergency Department and have been pumped full of drugs that I think, are making me feel worse than the bronchitis.

My will to live is not quite there at the moment. Well…that might be a bit extreme. But I’m sure you get my point. I have already started working on my next post. But it’s just going to have to wait to be finished until I have more energy.

I hope you and yours are staying healthy!! It’s crazy out there in germ land!

Flawed

Yes. I’m behind. I know. I’ve found myself really struggling the last couple of weeks physically. Small things — like a cold — can really knock me out. I’ve just had enough energy for the basics. And admittedly this was not something included in that list as bad as that sounds. But God is not beating me over the head with a stick so I won’t beat myself up either.

So today as I read Genesis 38 & 39 I was thinking about how patient God is, how willing to cover us with grace He is and how He uses people who are entirely flawed. I will come back to the story of Joseph in the next couple of days. I left off as he was sold into slavery. His story is so important and speaks so much to the way things happen in our lives even today. Joseph’s story speaks to me deeply — as does Jobs. But for this post, I think it’s important that I not miss this story of Judah and Tamar that’s stuck in between Joseph’s travails and triumphs.

While I won’t prattle on endlessly about the details surrounding Tamar and Judah, I will summarize by saying this . . . Judah decided to go against his word to his daughter in law. When he did so, Tamar took matters into her own hands and posed as a prostitute to get her father in law (who happened to be Judah) to sleep with her in order for her to have a child (38:13-19). Judah’s sons had already refused to do what was customary — to father a child with their brother’s wife because he died before an heir was produced.

So to sum up: Judah’s sons are jerks and won’t follow custom. Judah decides he’ll promise his youngest son to Tamar but then doesn’t follow through on the commitment. Tamar, as I mentioned, takes matters into her own hands and disguises herself. Judah happily sleeps with this woman he believes is a “shrine prostitute.” Tamar becomes pregnant and gives birth to twins.

All I can say is . . . what the heck? I thought there was drama in my life. Haha. Yet through this twisted set of circumstances, worthy of an episode of All My Children, Perez was born. Perez became head of the leading clan of Judah and was a descendant of David and ultimately the King of Kings, Jesus.

God uses flawed vessels to accomplish His purposes. As I’ve mentioned in conjunction with other passages, I do not think this gives us a free pass when it comes to sin. However, it does show me that I’ve held myself to standard that I don’t think He does.

Maybe it has something to do with the church I grew up in? Or maybe it was that I was always searching for my earthly father’s love and acceptance? Or maybe it’s that I’m a perfectionist? Who knows? All I know is, I’ve exiled myself from Him when He was not calling for that. What I do know is that I disqualified myself from serving Him or seeing my value in His kingdom because of the ways I’d screwed up. And as far as He’s concerned, that’s uncalled for.

I don’t know what the hearts of Judah, his sons or Tamar looked like. But God does. I don’t know, because the writer of Genesis does not tell us, if they were repentant and contrite. But God does. I do find comfort in knowing that if he can use that mess of circumstances, He can certainly do something with mine.

The Dreamer

I know its been awhile. I have more on my plate this month than I have had in the previous nine months combined. So I’m a little slow on the updating here.

My reading hasn’t been as consistent as it was early on. That’s my first confession. I will blame getting sick and trying to balance everything as the cause. But truthfully, spending time reading my Bible should come before everything else. So there’s the second confession. I’ve let that slip in the last week or so.

So where does that bring me to? Genesis Chapter 37. Joseph. The dreamer. His own brothers call him that in verse 17

Here comes that dreamer!

Joseph is greatly favored by his father. And not only is one of Israel’s two favorite sons, but it’s clear from what eventually becomes of Joseph, that God’s blessing is with him too. What I find so interesting about this chapter is that his father’s favor and God’s blessing didn’t protect him from trial and the outright evil actions of his own family.

In some ways, the part of me that longs for justice, feels this is wrong. Deeply wrong. If I take the story without the context of what follows, that’s surely how I would continue to feel. Do I understand God’s ways any better when I look at the context of the whole account of Joseph? Not completely. What I do know? God molded Joseph through the fire of his circumstances.

Joseph was to be molded and shaped in his years of enslavement. He had access to the most powerful people in Egypt. And with time, God placed him in a position of great power. And what do you know? What he saw so many years before, those visions that caused his brothers to mock him calling him, “Dreamer” became a reality.

God didn’t prevent the dreamer from being persecuted. Evil was done to Joseph. God does not delight in evil as we know. But God did take what was meant for evil and turned it into something only He could do.

Joseph was a dreamer. The visions he saw were from God. The difference, I wonder, between Joseph and us is our response. What did I do six years ago when the “dream” I had was thwarted because of the actions of others? I certainly did not handle it with the confidence Joseph did.

How about you? When faced with circumstances that make you question whether a “dream” or “vision” (take that literally or figuratively) was from God, how did you respond? How might God be wanting you to respond now? I know how He’s wanting me to respond. Like Joseph.

I’ll tell you how I know in the next reading…

A new name…

My posting may be a bit sporadic and jumpy over the next week or so. I started a temp, part time job (thank God!) and it may take a minute or two for me to figure out how to post. I’m also trying to keep up with my “Project 365″ photos on Flickr and “NaNoWriMo” which is writing a 50,000 word novel in the 30 days of November! And its been a very long nine months since I’ve worked. So I’m a bit squeaky in the juggling department.

Now on to this quick post. The last several days since I’ve posted last have brought me up to Genesis 32. There’s only a couple of things I want to say about this chapter right now. Although I may come back and comment about Jacob wrestling with God.

What stands out to me more than anything about this passage is that God gave Jacob a new name. He went from being the deceitful one or one who uses trickery or one who cheats to Israel. He was given a name that would represent his great calling. God took what was and threw it right out the window.

God’s man, this father of the nation of Israel, would not be known any longer as a deceitful one. He was given a new name, one that represented God’s chose people. I don’t know about you, but I’ve needed a new name. Maybe not literally. But of all the names people have called me — of the names I’ve called myself, the only one that matters any is the name He has given me.

He has given me a new name. I’m certain He hast that for you too.

In spite of us…

I read Genesis 27-28 today. In chapter 27, Jacob with his mother’s assistance, deceives his father and by doing so, receives the blessing intended for Esau. In chapter 28, Jacob flees and heads towards his uncle’s home because Esau is plotting against him.

One of the suggested meanings of Jacob’s name in Hebrew, is deceit or perhaps cheat/cheater. Kind of appropriate considering his actions! In spite of Rebekah’s encouragement that her son engage in trickery and deceit to “win” the blessing of his father, God works.

In spite of Jacob’s very name indicating an identity that was not so honoring to God, God used him. In chapter 28, Jacob stops to sleep for a night. With a rock as his pillow, (I will never understand why he used a rock for a pillow — was there nothing better? ) Jacob rests.

His dreams are filled with God’s presence. In spite of the trickery and deceit, God says to Jacob:

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised.

God’s promise to Jacob, to accompany his father’s blessing, was that He would make a nation from Jacob. The nation of Israel — like the dust of the earth, “spread to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south” would come from him. God’s chosen people would come from a man that was flawed and capable of deceit and trickery.

As I read these two chapters I was struck by God’s goodness. I was amazed as I thought about how He chooses to use a flawed human race to bring about His purposes. This is not to say that because of this, it’s okay for us to just do whatever we want.

How well I know this is not the way to go! But it comforts my heart to know that where people have judged me, where I have been so hard on myself expecting perfection, where I have sinned and fallen short, He is working and will use me still.

In spite of me. In spite of what others think of me.

In spite of you. In spite of what others think of you.

He is working and will accomplish His plan through us. Does that encourage you like it does me?

Faith

I was given a copy of Beth Moore’s “Believing God” awhile ago. I started it but never finished. Not even close. My mind wasn’t in the right place. I read the first three chapters this afternoon after reading my chapters in Genesis.

The book is about, yes, you guessed it, believing God. In terms of her definitions, I haven’t been believing God. Not even close. In theory? Maybe. If I had to defend my faith against someone who was antagonistic, sure.

But in terms of continually believing God as Moore writes? In terms of what pleases God (without faith it is impossible to please God)? Not. So. Much. And as a result, I am at my wit’s end right now trying to understand what He wants for me.

So yes, these chapters in Genesis were the right place for me to start although at first I wondered if I needed to be reading in the New Testament first. Sarah’s doubt and her penchant to run ahead of God are how I’ve lived my life. I’ve run ahead.

I don’t know what He wants anymore. But that’s because I’ve tried so hard to make it happen myself. I’ve tried so hard to find what I was missing. And I’ve tried so hard to fill up the empty spaces by striving for things I thought would make up for the holes.

But it doesn’t work that way, now does it? If we strive, we end up nowhere — wandering in our desert. We wander while our Promised Land waits for us.

Yes, the theme for my life right now is believing God and waiting in peace. And I just know that reading through the Word like this is precisely what I need right now.

 

Today I read Genesis Chapters 23 & 24. I’m certain I’ll come back to post again tomorrow or the following day on Chapter 24. Because I need to read again. And then again.

What stands out to me at the moment, about 24, is that I wish God answered prayer for me like that of Abraham’s servant (vs. 14 — reading the New KJV today). As he prayed in his heart, the affirmative answer was already walking toward him. It even states that before he was through praying in his heart, *poof*, there she was. Well, it doesn’t say poof, but you catch my drift.

In my mind, I think that God had always intended Rebekah for Isaac. Nonetheless, the servant wanted to be sure to pick the right one. He sought God and asked for a clear “sign.” God was like, “Sure. Here she is.” Nice! But why is it that this can’t be my experience?

Before I was so battered and bruised in the faith department (pre 2003), I was a pray-er. And I was constantly in the Word. My faith was not weak. And it was not lacking. It was strong. I prayed with confidence because of who I was praying to.

When everything fell down around my feet in 2003, I lost my way. As I’ve said on my other blog, I’ve wandered in and out of a close relationship with Him in that time. But for the most part, I’ve been in this desert. Not hearing a thing. Receiving no answers.

I’m standing at this crossroads now that scares the hooey out of me. And I’m praying and asking for wisdom. I’m asking for provision. When I believed I had direction and wisdom provided to me recently, I took a step of faith in that direction. Only to meet with more obstacles.

I understand that sometimes even if something is God’s will, obstacles remain in our path. I also understand that our reliance needs to be on Him to get us past them. But I also know that, that is a scary place to be for someone that has had more than her fair share of being knocked around — and for far too long.

So I ain’t gonna lie. I wish God would answer my prayers like He did Abraham’s servant.

Waited. Tested. Provided.

Photo Credit to: Dimitri C.

I’ve been waiting. And I’ve been tested. I am being tested. I feel Abraham and Sarah. I mean, I get it. Long before the incident in which Sarah laughs at hearing that she will give birth to a son in her advanced age, Abraham is promised that his descendants will be like the stars in the sky. That’s a lot of progeny people.

Sarah just doesn’t get it. She can’t fathom how it will work out. She’s already old. They don’t have kids. It doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Who has kids when they’re almost 100? Seriously dude, are you kidding me . . . is what this California girl thinks Sarah must have thought when she heard about this “promise.”

So she devises a plan. She hands over her servant Hagar to her husband. Can you even imagine such a thing? She decides that this is what makes sense. This has just got to be the way, because she can’t SEE any other. This has got to be the way that God is going to give them their descendants.

Have you ever been that desperate? Have you ever been that desperate to make something happen that you’d do something so hair-brained (at best) as to have your husband sleep with you servant so she could bear a child? What the heck? Right. You’re saying no. And I’ve always looked down on Sarah for that.

But you know what? I’m not all that different from Sarah. When God has made promises to me, when I have read the promises in His Word, what has my response been? Have I sat back and waited — really waited for Him to work? To provide? Sometimes. Sometimes not.

The really hard stuff? I’ve fought my own way through those things. I’ve found a way to make it — whatever it is — happen on my own. And that has made a royally mucked up mess. Sarah made a royally mucked up mess. And her mess has followed the nation of Israel ever since.

She couldn’t wait. She had to act. She had to make it happen. She made a mess. But here’s where it gets interesting . . .

God still made good on His promise. Sarah may have laughed. Sarah may have gone ahead of God. But God came through. After more waiting, Sarah became pregnant. Their long awaited son was born and given the name of Isaac. I can only imagine how precious this son was to both of them. A childless couple has a child after all those years? He must have been doted on!

And then we read in Genesis 22 that God got all test crazy and asked Abraham to do something that was just nuts. At least in our limited understanding of the world. In verse 2, He says, “He said, “Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you. (NASB)”

What the heck? Take my child that I’ve waited so long for and give him as a burnt offering? Huhwhat? And yet, Abraham’s response to being tested was to say, “Okay, God.” When Isaac, not a dim bulb, realizes that there’s no animal joining them on their journey up Mt. Moriah, and mentions that little itty, bitty fact, Abraham responds by saying . . . God will provide the lamb.

He lays Isaac on that altar, tying him down (verse 9). Abraham takes his knife and is ready to “slay” his son when God speaks. God speaks and God provides. A ram caught in the brush is the provision. God tested Abraham. After Abraham waited. And in Abraham’s obedience, God provided.

In verse 14, we see that “Abraham called the name of that place The LORD Will Provide, as it is said to this day, ‘In the mount of the LORD it will be provided.”‘ They waited. God tested. And God provided. When it looked like it wasn’t possible, God provided. When it looked like all was lost, God provided.

Sarah did make a mess of things. But God’s grace was sufficient. He still made sure that what was promised was provided. Sure, He still made them wait. And then He tested Abraham’s faithfulness and commitment. But at the exact, appointed time, He provided.

I wish there was a way to adequately explain what this means to me right this very moment. I can’t. Because to explain in greater detail would inevitably make it sound whiny. I don’t want to sound whiny. I’ve been a Sarah. Now I’ve entered into the phase where His grace and forgiveness have covered my royally mucked up mess. Now? I’m being tested. I don’t know when the provision is coming.

I only know He will provide.

What? Who me?

Day 20 (technically speaking)

Genesis 18-22

To sum up: Sarah laughs after God promises. Abraham asks for mercy for Sodom and Gomorrah. God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot’s wife becomes a pillar of salt when she looks back at the city as they flee. Lot and his daughters hide in the mountains. Lot’s daughters get him drunk in order to continue the family line. Abraham pulls another “But she’s my sister.” Isaac is born in Sarah & Abraham’s old age. And then finally, in chapter 22, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac. Phew. That’s a lot of junk to cover. So I’m not going to. I can’t. If anyone is still reading this, you can go here for that. I’m just here to write about my impressions, discoveries and re-discoveries. So on with the show . . .

I’ve read and re-read chapter 18 a bunch of times. Specifically, verses 10-15. As the Lord speaks and tells Abraham they will have a son, Sarah laughs at the thought. God’s reply, in verse 14, says it all really, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” He asks Abraham, why did Sarah laugh? The part that cracks me up is that Sarah denies, lying outright, that she laughed. It kind of reminds me of a child who takes a cookie that they’re not supposed to and with crumbs all over her face says, “No. I didn’t eat the cookie.” All the incriminating evidence is right there, plain as day.

Humorously, it wasn’t even that Sarah was lying to a human who would have a harder time, perhaps, discerning the truth, had they not heard the laugh themselves. Instead, she lies to the Almighty God, Creator of the Universe! That’s funny stuff! And says a lot about how we humans think sometimes. I don’t judge Sarah though. Because guess what? We all do it in our own little ways at different times in our lives.

We lie to ourselves. We often lie to God. Maybe not with outright lies. But we do. We color the truth in shades of grey. And sometimes, we even do it about spiritual matters. Maybe it’s what we hide from a brother or sister in Christ? Or maybe it’s just that with our hearts we serve only ourselves, while our mouths say something else entirely. Yes, I do believe those are all similar to what Sarah did. Sarah didn’t want anyone to think that she’d really and truly reacted that way.

Why? Because based on the Lord’s response, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”, it’s fairly clear that her response was not really one of amusement but rather of a lack of faith. I imagine that it was incredulous in tone. God has a sense of humor. So if she had been merely tickled by the thought, God would have gotten that! Instead, her fear, which produced a lie, was based in the knowledge that she truly didn’t trust God. And she didn’t want Him to know that. So she tried to cover it up. How often do we do that — hoping to hide from others what we don’t want them to see?

God knew already, of course, that she lied. Even still I don’t find myself highly critical of Sarah. Because I’ve known that struggle to believe. Some things are just so far out of our understanding, it’s difficult to wrap our tiny brains around the promise. I guess the take home point for me is . . . nothing is too hard for the Lord.

Like Sarah, there are things that I’m having trouble believing. But as God so clearly stated, it’s no biggie to Him. What is hard for me to do, what is hard for me to grasp, what is hard for me to accept and understand — is simple for Him. And so my prayer for myself today is, “Help me believe.” How about you?

Still here and still reading . . .

Yeah, I’m still here. I’ve stopped myself again because I’m trying to get some things written for the handful (more than a handful, really) of jobs I’m apply for. Since they’re federal jobs, I have to send my resume in with written essay-like responses to a variety of questions meant to demonstrate that I can actually do the job and have experience from my past federal positions. So there you go. I’m on a deadline. I’ll come back shortly. Hopefully tomorrow!